little jess.

i don’t even know how to talk to people who aren’t pro-choice pro-abortion. honestly, it feels like a waste of time and i might as well talk to a brick wall or an episode of barney. let me attempt to explain…

i) if you believe in any regulation of a body by any person or institution other than the sole owner of said body, i can’t be convinced that you really believe in choice. how much choice one person (re: female-bodied person) has over decisions regarding their body and what happens to/around/inside of it should not be measured, debated, or agreed upon.

ii) an entity that requires another life form to survive is not anything more than a parasitic creature until the second it takes a breath on its own. and before folks start crying “omg how could u say dat? y u h8 babies?” let me clarify: not talking about babies; zygote, embryo, and fetus are the terms you’re searching for. so sorry. y u mad at science tho? besides, arguments about “unborn babies” are tired and inaccurate and boring. this shit has nothing to do with babies. this stance, this argument, this post is about female-bodied ciswomen, trans men, and everyone else who can or will ever be pregnant.

iii) being anti-choice/anti-abortion is anti-queer, anti-feminist, and anti-womanist. it is anti-queer because the notion that we can dictate and judge what people do with their bodies falls under the exact same shitstorm umbrella as any argument made against queer anything. i don’t think i need to explain why it’s anti-woman/anti-feminist. kthx.

…i am pro-abortion because i am not afraid of the word abortion; it is not a word that should be feared. i am pro-abortion because we need to de-stigmatize the word, the procedure, and everything associated with it. i am pro-abortion because i don’t just believe in choice or life, i believe choice is life, and as long as we lack complete agency over our bodies and decisions, we are not free.

i really want/need more close, meaningful friendships in this city.

objects melting. people i haven’t seen in a long time. the perfect comebacks to the most offensive remarks. rochester. what it feels like to be very alone. outfits for tomorrow. invisible things that live on our bodies. new, good endings to old encounters with bad endings. how i wish i was better at keeping in touch. teeth. flashes of the past 5 years like a photo slide show. leaves. what is going on inside my heart.

i am not one for excess but i really would like more plants. and pillows.

it’s do-nothing saturday and someone beautiful is asleep next to me.
(of course i can’t ever sleep past noon.) 

i really miss rochester in the fall. thinking about taking a trip soon. i need to take a walk with some hot cider and smell the leaves. waking up at my mother’s house might be nice, too.

also on the agenda for fall: classes at the brainery. turning my spare room into a craft room. writing a plan for grad school. more letter-writing, less internet.

and a cupcake for breakfast… right now. 

this is the time of year i miss upstate the very, very most.

i need to find a tailor in the city but i will only go to someone with the last name “hanson”

“i want to rise to the occasion. i want to learn and bask in your glow. i want to protect you and do whatever i can to give you strength. there is no twist to this. i am not about to blow my brains out. you have not cut me up like others have. it’s just this. i want to love you with everything in me. i need your help because i don’t know anything about it. i am suspicious and ready to leave and hit the cold road for the frozen dawn. i am just going to trust you with everything in me. i see now that it’s the only reason to be here. after kissing you, i cannot remember what it was like to kiss any other woman. at this point i am not sure if i ever have.” —henry rollins.

because i am imperfect and occasionally speak from fear, i am thankful for your kindness and understanding. i do not expect you to dry my tears, or steady my voice and hands. because we are sometimes thrown into chaos and our energies become depleted, i do not take for granted the privilege of sleeping it all off next to you. because in rare moments we will disagree or become frustrated (or maybe we are just tired and overworked beyond capacity and i am an emotional nightmare trainwreck monsterface) i am in awe of your ability to bend and shift and adjust your heart to always fit me inside…

and speaking of that: it is true that because of your heart, i have grown softer. your mouth on mine, your face in the morning, every tiny tingle left on my skin in memory of your fingertips… because of all of this, i have opened. for all the feelings we won’t articulate face to face, and for every time i’ve said those very things while you’re sound asleep, i will tell you only this: i feel you when i move, i carry you all day, my heart is swollen, 

and i’m grateful.