little jess

queer feels & junk

holes in your body
like nonconsensual piercings
and
planning funerals like birthday parties
nausea like your first hangover
disease feels like a teenager

lovers/doctors

be as aggressive
as my body can handle
just hold me after

i was scared to die
last time, but this time it’s not
even an option

if you are an adorable trans dude who takes zero responsibility for your actions hey don’t even worry bro because chances are your friends will never bring it up and always still like you because you are adorable or something

"someone tried to teach me to never say never - it’s so funny, i never saw that one again. i’m sure they’re still somewhere deep down in the dirt in the back of my head, they just never call me, it’s not like they’re dead…

you can love someone and just not stay friends.”

RVIVR

hey folks, i am giving away an extra small tri-top underworks binder. website says the color is “nude” but what the fuck is that racist shit anyway it’s sort of tan-beige. wore it a handful of times, but in v. good condition. it’s too small for me but it could be the one to hug you tenderly. send me a message and it’s yours.

being depressed feels like a bonfire trying to give me a hug. it feels like someone has replaced my brain with mashed potatoes. it feels like that exact moment when a paper cut happens, over and over.

dear mom,

if i reject the name you gave me,
just know that it is not because she was never mine,
but instead that i grew up and out of her
like every pair of lee jeans or oshkosh 
you ever bought for me at k-mart.

know that when i think of the name i leave behind,
i’ll remember her only with a tender softness:
printed on a name tag with circus animals on my desk in second grade,
shouted with a sharp tongue into the sweaty dusk of summer
when it was time to come home for dinner,
and typed with precision on every rejection and acceptance letter
left in our mailbox during my junior year.

know that i leave the name you gave me with love,
as all things should be left,
and everything that she ever was
will live on in the person i have yet to become.
i would not be me without her,
and i would not have been her without you.

finally, know that when i drop jessica’s -ica
she’ll land safely in the mouth of a mother
exhaling the tail end of the name of her new baby girl,
and that name will fit her
like a brand new pair of lee jeans
or oshkosh.

valerie: “see, i’ve worked in state hospitals, and this place is a five-star hotel. you know, i can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people. but you? you are not crazy.”
susana: “then what’s wrong with me, huh? what the fuck is going on inside my head?”
valerie: “you’re a lazy, self-indulgent little girl who is driving herself crazy.”